What do you do when you each have a child from a previous marriage and have conflict about how the other is handling issues with that child?"

Blending families... a really tough job. This question seems straight forward enough but speaks to a bigger issue. First, the answer to the question. When parents come together and marry they accept the challenges that accompany the hopes for the second relationship. More times than not, they find more differences in the parenting aspect of their relationship than they do in the love. The goal is to discuss a number of predictable issues.

First are the "roles". What role will you have with your spouse's children? Most attempt to parent their step-kids the same as their own. This is a recipe for disaster. In the early goings, the non-biological parent needs to focus the "love" aspect of parenting on acceptance, civility, getting to know the children. In the discipline aspect of parenting, the non-biological parent needs to focus on supporting the biological parent, never (or rarely) disciplining the children themselves. Is this a bitter pill? You bet it is, but remember, the children didn't ask for you two to marry. In fact, they probably never wanted their mom and dad to divorce in the first place. Don't mistake their acceptance or kindness for permission to parent them.

The second issue to consider is "rules". Hopefully you and your spouse aren't too far separated on what you believe in. Finding out that you are after you've exchanged rings is a bit late in the process. But never fear. As long as you're willing to negotiate the "business" of parenting and are able to keep your egos out of it, you may find it easy to compromise. The key is not being offended when confronting your differences. Generally, parenting approaches are created equally (severe corporal punishment aside). The key is consistency. If you are completely opposed to a parenting technique, discuss it. Offer your rationale and concerns for the impact not just on your child but how parenting differently will create a break in an already fragile new family. If that fails and negotiations are out of the question, it may be time for a consultation with a professional child and family therapist. 

The big issue with all of this is that remarried couples are trying to make an unnatural event more natural. That statement is not meant to be an insult, but think of it this way. Did you marry the first time with the intention to divorce? Of course not, because you believe marriage is supposed to be forever. So do kids.

When kids go through a divorce, their world gets turned upside down. When a new parent is introduced it is often really difficult for them to accept the change. When that new parent attempts to invoke authority over children, the kids often react with "HEY! You're not my parent!!" And they're right. They can come to grips with the divorce and remarriage as long as you understand that though you may have wanted the new marriage, they very well may not have. A good  role progression for the non-biological parents is this "Acquaintance - Friend - Counselor - Parent".  By the way, the kid gets to decide when you get your promotion, not you.

Remember...

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